my mom can't stand me

OK, I know I am not the only person out there with this problem, but here it is, bald and unvarnished - my mom can't stand me. She may love me (that was indicated by my father this past week) but she cannot stand me. To live with me, should my dad die first, would probably guarantee both of us a lot of stress.

But let's back up for a moment - why would I be having this conversation with my father (who happens to still be married to my mother)? My mom was admitted to St Mary's hospital for a bleeding ulcer. My dad told me that my mom and he for once, were not fighting and that all of the sudden she spontaneously starting vomiting. The "spontaneously" is important to that last sentence as she frequently induces vomiting. My dad just saw that the vomit, all over the bed spread as she was in bed at the time, was black and thought "wow, that's weird. Black Bile?" and tried to get her to go to the hospital with him in the car. She refused and insisted that he call 911 and have the paramedics transport her. So he did, they went and she is still in the hospital 6 days later. She needed 3 units of blood, that is how much she lost. She passed quite a bit of it through her intestines (yes, that is a nice way of putting it, eh?). All of her symptoms were masked through previous behaviours, lack of noticing on her part, or OTC medications she is taking by the handful.

Now I am trying to et her released to a respite facility to build up her strength before being released to my 79 yr old father, who cannot lift her 4'10", 170 lbs. frame. She refused to go in a wheelchair to dialysis yesterday, so I can just imagine what will happen should she need to go to the bathroom while at home. She also seems to not be able to see right now. She is confused, she seems to be uncomfortable.

It must be hell to grow old. I look at her and just see what I should not do in my life. I also find it incredibly hard not to think "wow, she was so mean to me when I was young. Why should I go out of my way to see her now that things are going so awful for her?" and then immediately feeling guilty for having these thoughts. ugh.

I don't know if this is the beginning of the end for her (or some awkward middle place) yet, I do know this - she is going to be very afraid of the end, and for that, I need to place my feelings aside and just be there to hold her hand and comfort her. Please let me be able to do that! Biting my tongue goes only so far! LOL