Mom still in hospital

So it was occurring to me while I was visiting my mother in the hospital yesterday that she is nearing the end of her life. She was lucid enough for 90 seconds at a time, falling asleep mid sentence, and I was trying to quietly freak out on my own. Wow, she has no neck. Her mouth does not seem to want to stay closed, although I see her making the effort. She is falling asleep with her eyes partially open. Her color is waaaay off. Her skin looks like crepe paper.

This is someone that abused me while I was young. As I watch her sleep, I try to figure out what I am really feeling. Sadness? Yes, I am feeling sad for her. She seems to not have gotten anything that she was hoping for in life. Well, maybe that she became a mother, but then she didn't know what to do with those feelings and took them out on me. She is a grandmother, and I used that on her to try to shake her out of her ennui, to make her want to get better by saying that the kids cannot visit her in the hospital and that they did want to see her. If she worked to get better, then they would release her to the rehab center and the kids could visit her there. She nodded, but I really can't see how much she is struggling. She seems to be drifting off.

Is it wrong of me to feel that that would be a nice way for her to go? Just keep going, don't come back mom... because what would she be coming back to? She and my dad don't even talk to each other any more, as far as I can tell. She can barely see, so her joy in the TV has got to be diminished. She is in pain, but cannot self medicate any more (that put her in the position that she's in now,aspirin- blood thinners until she got a bleeding ulcer).

I have such joy in my life. My kids are great, and I know it. I have a great dog. I pretty good husband (OK, he's great, too) and I am trying to get back into writing. When I am at that age, what will I have looked back on and seen as my greatest feats? And my regrets? I try to live my life right now, with no regrets.

Hoping anyone reading this does the same...

live now, no regrets