Is that all there is?

Well, my mom died at midnight on Tues. after the kids and Tia Rosita and I all had visited. It was an appropriate time for her to go and went she did, in her sleep. Yeah, I want to go that way.... OK not the same way. My mom abused that body of hers with fioranal (a combination of tranquilizer and aspirin given to many people with migraines in the 70's) and then OTC aspirin products and her kidneys just gave up. So no, I am taking great care of this body (can we say sometimes I am obsessed?), trying not to gain too much weight, not to eat all the wrong foods, and not develop diabetes or lose kidney function.

The last day she was alive, she recognized my kids, my aunt, and I made a joke with her on the way out. Hopefully, she wasn't her normal pissy self and wasn't offended by that last joke. I can't tell if she even heard it, she was so out of it. Apparently, while we were there and I was in an office signing paperwork, she was screaming in pain from the nurses moving her to prevent bed sores. Wow. I was going to look into heavy duty pain killers but was afraid that they were not compatible with dialysis.

The dr. did try to prepare my dad and me for the fact that my mom was on her way to the big Exit in the sky. But she said, maybe 6 mos. And maybe we might want to look into taking her off dialysis, and yes it would shorten her life, but it would give her more energy and better quality of life.... Hey! I didn't want to make that decision, and neither did my dad. We looked at each other like two cartoon characters, "you want to choose, cuz I shore don't!" So mom took that decision away from us, thank the stars that shine at night.

I am so hoping that she is up in heaven (OK, I don't really believe in heaven like most people do, but go with me on this....) and she is drinking a big margarita (on ice with salt, thank you very much) with a big huge piece of pastry in the other and is laughing and smiling on all of us.

IF i think that we are all part of a bigger soul, or as I put it, a master soul, and IF our lives here on earth are an attempt for the master soul to get a life experience, well her master soul just got one whopper of a life experience that most people would not choose to have. Its as if we choose a movie to go to, sometimes we want a horror film, sometimes a comedy, sometimes a weepy drama, our master souls would be choosing lives like that. Hers wanted the bitter, unfulfilled life and hopefully that is it done, she will now be at peace. Because I can't really fathom why anyone would enter this life and choose to be unhappy.

Me? I choose happy. You? Choose what you want.